Humor is without a doubt a healing in itself for persons with disabilities as well as for able-bodied individuals. If one can laugh at life as what it presents following times of despair, one can overcome obstacles faced in society and move forward, rotating like the hands on a clock and spin past the obstacle. Though many things in life may not be exactly humorous or funny, it is how we overcome the aftermath to move into the next motion.
Julia Hollenbeck
"Just Keep Smiling"
Member since 1999
Romney, West Virginia
I recently had my third stroke and am soon getting a breast biopsy to learn if I have breast cancer. I broke my shoulder, (by not stepping on the cat who ran into the exact space where I was putting my foot down), and tore all the ligaments in my right thumb when I was preventing my dog from eating my newly hatched guinea keets. To top it off, I was run over by a truck and my back hasn't been the same since - I broke one disc and displaced another. All in all, it hasn't been a very good year and a half for me!
You are not going to believe this - but my hubby was driving the truck! He wanted to load up the alpacas into the stock trailer, take them all to a breeding farm where they would be bred, and we might get four new alpacas that we could sell for big bucks. He was backing the truck up to the hitch while I was standing beside the trailer and looking down on the hitch (because I have no depth perception); to make sure the hitch and the ball lined up. Hubby accidentally stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake, smashed right into me first, and then into the trailer. As I went down, I kept thanking God that the wheels didn't get me! Hubby backed over me and the trailer bounced off the berm behind it, and then the trailer ran over me - but again, the wheels didn't touch me. Both of my legs were scraped to the bone, from the undercarriage of the truck, and time in the hospital fixed that, but the doctors didn't discover my broken back until four months later!
It wasn't until we got the bill from Medicare that it occurred to us to contact the insurance company. I called them to report the incident and the agent I spoke to said I should sue my husband! He said my "premiums were trashed anyway, so you might as well get something out of it." As it worked out, the insurance company paid most of my medical bills and Medicare paid the rest, and then the insurance company paid me a nice sum, to NOT sue my hubby! It all worked out pretty well in the end, except for my broken back and very scarred up legs. In any event, hubby took the alpacas to the breeder while I was in the hospital, then within the next two months, sold all but one of our alpacas, the stock trailer, our two goats and said we were "out of business." He is still kicking himself to this day!
I have to agree with you about humor. When I was a youngster, I saw an old lady with lots of wrinkles - but they were all smile wrinkles, and I thought she was beautiful and I wanted to look like her when I got old. I smile and laugh a lot - just to make sure I get to have smiley wrinkles instead of frown wrinkles!
Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards
Reportedly by Bob Wallace
Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalized.
"Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now Im going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I wont be treated like this."
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane at the R.J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they're dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they're going to search me? I don't think so."
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, "who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn't board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. Thats when the trouble started."
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldn't get up," said Gordon with a giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she bashed both guards.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked."
"It was amazing," said another witness, Scott Ryan, also of Cuyahoga Falls, a professor of music at Ohio Express University and author of Yusef Islam: Cat Stevens Declawed. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt."
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter that had escaped detection. "He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear," said Ryan.
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went."
After all this, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first guard. The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, "Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on the floor!"
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uncle! I won't do it again!"
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken
to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We did'nt have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot."
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything," said one of the lawyers.
"Im flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong."
All six guards, employees of the Bullwinkle Security Company, were taken to Badanov Hospital, treated for minor injuries, and released. "All of them are okay," said their doctor, who identified herself only as Natasha. "Just very minor injuries."
The owner of the security firm, a Mr. Big, said he considered his employees to be "fearless leaders."
(Submitted by member in Texas with note, "Please don't try this!")
Photographer Shoots Shooters!
Bob Hartman, Publisher, Field and Clays, thought he was a sharp shooter when he shot this one!
Taken at NVWG 2002, Cleveland, Ohio, during the Trap Shoot Event.
Click here to see the FieldandClay site!
Not Enough W/C Space in a Hotel?
When there is only one bed and a hide-a-bed, without clearing room for a wheelchair at the end of the hide-a-bed, simply fold the hide-a-bed up, and leave the sleeper alone! If you don't have enough arm strength, dial "0" for assistant on the telephone.
Only the Purest
Kingwood, Texas
Did you know Ivory soap didn't always float? Proctor and Gamble's famous product began life in 1878 as White Soap. It smelled good, had a rich, white color, and sunk like a stone if you let go
of it in a tub of water. Then the guy who ran the machine that mixed White Soap's ingredients neglected to throw the off switch one afternoon when he took his lunch break. The soap that resulted had more air in it. The lighter bar floated, consumers loved it, and the rest is history.
Sailing, Sailing...
Washington, DC
I am reminded of an incident in the seventies when I went on the Carnival Cruise Line Mardi Gras using crutches to sail to Bermuda.
(I was in a state of denial at the time.)
I experienced a nice land tour of Bermuda, but to get back to the ship I had to get on a tender, and then climb a ladder that was practically vertical to reach the ship deck.
I climbed all the way up, but just as I reached the top step one crutch fell, thirty feet down, crashing and breaking in two on the way until finally floating on the water in two pieces.
They sent a diver down to retrieve it and by ship wheelchair, I returned to my cabin.
A few moments later there was a knock on the door with the cruise lady wondering if I was all right.
Soon after another knock on the door, and the maitre d´ wanted to know if I needed anything.
The third knock brought the ship doctor carrying a black bag, and wanting to know if he could do something for me.
Finally, the last knocking introduced the ship carpenter who was returning my crutch which he had repaired.
And, this was all before ADA!
When you want a lighthouse bad enough ~ Take one home!
The end result of visiting Coast Guard City USA for the 60th Anniversary of the United States Coast Guard, was a three mile walk with a lighthouse, fitting it into Julia Hollenbeck's van, and then sending her back to Tennessee to create "Point Clarksville".
Situated on a hill in the backyard, the lighthouse was staked to the ground with a bed of small white rocks to resemble sand. Small fisherman stand at the bottom of the lighthouse.
The beacon is operated by solar, with the sun's rays working during the day, the beacon light shines in the dark of night. It can be seen from the road in-between the buildings, Julia's upstairs quarters, and of course, the patio outside.
Oh, and by the way, the three tree stumps were originally thought to be the remains of a tornado that ripped through the area in 2000, but later found to be pine trees that were cut down. The flowers are fake!
"Help Me, Help Me!"
Liverpool, England
I am a tetraplegic confined to a wheelchair. A number of years ago, I traveled to Florida and visited the Boardwalk and Baseball Theme Park with a couple of friends.
There was a white-knuckle ride in the park and I was keen to have a go on. I knew the ride eventually would end up spinning upside down and I thought that it's speed, gravity of earth,
and the security strap would hold me in place so I decided to go on it without my friend. BIG MISTAKE! No sooner had the ride started, and I realized I would rather be anyplace else than on it!
As it rose, I was forcing my, now flailing, legs back into place and trying to keep them from hitting me in the face. Every time the ride descended, I had my arms pressed firmly against the sides
to stop my backside from ejecting off the seat. Hmmm, interesting, I thought, "They say your life flashes before you in times like this" but, I was busy screaming as loud as I could to keep my mind occupied.
As my seat approached the ground near where my friends were standing, I screamed "help" as loud as I could. Finally, after several passes, one of my friends told the operator to stop the ride and get me out of it.
When I asked my friend why he didn't inform the operator sooner, he replied that he was, "… waiting for my wallet to come flying out of the ride first!" Afterwards, we all had a good laugh about it;
nobody had been hurt and although scary at the time, it was comical looking back on it now.
It took "Mom" a few years...but, she now knows what else the Army Can Do!
(A happening with Sun Screen at the 20th National Veterans Wheelchair Games)
Where's Dad?
Pillager, MN
During the past year, my husband and I began adjusting to a new life with me in a wheelchair. We live in the woods and our nearest neighbor is only here in the summer.
Last summer he asked me to go down to the lake with him. While we were there, something came up and he darted off for the house for our car, accidentally leaving me behind and alone in the woods.
When I realized he was gone, I wheeled myself up an old path to get back to the house, fighting with berries and branches along the way. By the time I reached the driveway to the house, he was gone.
I couldn't get in the house without help and I got stuck in the sand on the driveway. As it worked out, he got halfway to town and realized I wasn't with him and returned home in the nick of time to rescue me.
My children all live far away, and of course when they telephone their first question, "Has Dad left you lately?" is always followed by a roar of laughter.
Umbrella? What Umbrella?
Allentown, PA
Many years ago, while serving in the United States Marine Corps, I was visiting a mall during a very heavy storm. Now, Marines do not carry umbrellas and in those days, we did not have raincoats. We could always look forward to getting soaked in rainstorms. I was as angry as a wet hen, (not for getting wet) due to the fact that my spit shined shoes were getting messed up.
I had at least another fifty yards or so to go when along came a guy with a power wheelchair and a great big umbrella. He stopped and yelled at me to hold the umbrella, and stand on top of the batteries in back of his seat. Well, what a RIDE that was! To this day I eyeball every electric wheelchair I see and say thank you. I would someday love to open a museum with every type of chair that is
or was self-propelled. A.E.L.C. (Yes. I am a real person and this is a true story that took place in Whitehall, PA) Thank you power chair!
Julia Hollenbeck Checking Out The Artillery
Up, Up, and Away
Louisville, Ky
Flying into Seattle, Washington turned out to be an interesting experience for me when I realized the pilot did not approach a passenger ramp at the end of the flight. The flight attendant walked up to me and said that it would be a few minutes for them to prepare for my exit. I asked her if there was a problem finding my wheelchair and she assured me there wasn't. Several minutes later two men came to rescue me. They placed me in my wheelchair that was sitting at the top of a platform on a forklift!
Rickshaws for Wheelchairs
San Francisco, California
Four of us were touring San Francisco one summer and wanted to ride a rickshaw. Someone in our group talked a peddler into placing my collapsible wheelchair on the back of his bicycle that pulled a rickshaw. All four of us got in the rickshaw and headed two or three miles up the road to the Chocolate Factory. Numbers of people stopped on the sidewalk as we passed and many of them waved and whistled. This had to be one of my more exciting experiences and well worth tipping for the extra baggage!
Christmas 1999: Home late, but a few moments for 49'er Football Cards.
SFC Dennis Musgraves didn't lose his concentration (but came to parade rest) after the first picture was snapped.
His daughter, Kelly, giggled and smiled!
Sand and Wheelchairs
Anchorage, Alaska
One day we decided to go to the zoo in Anchorage. The paths in the zoo were covered with packed sand and gravel and I was a little concerned about getting my chair stuck. But my son assured me that it wouldn't be a problem and I started to enjoy my ride as he pushed me from one exhibit to the next. When I spotted the polar bears, I wanted to see them up close and insisted that he take me over the top of a small bridge that ran parallel to their cage.
After watching them for a few minutes, we headed down the other side of the bridge and right into a soft area of sand. My wheelchair was stuck. We ended up attracting a lot of attention, but after a few moments of tugging and pushing, the chair was free wheeling again.
When An Infantry Man Goes On Vacation...
There's Smoke!
He got tangled up in green beans!
Houston, Texas
I was wheeling around through the aisles in the grocery store with my sister, picking out my own stuff for a change, and tossing things into the cart that she was pushing for me. As we approached the fresh produce department, I was feeling rather complacent and my mind wondered as I glanced over the avocados. I couldn't help but notice a woman that was wearing button fly 501 jeans with black stiletto high-heeled shoes and a yellow halter-top. She was about 5'5" tall, brunette, had fair skin and was very pretty.
She was standing in front of the tomato counter, looking at the fruit. I was struck by her beauty and couldn't take my eyes off her as I attempted to round the corner and follow my sister to the next aisle. My arm clipped the side of a tall stack of canned green beans and I was jerked back into reality as they crashed to the floor around me.
My sister glanced back at me, and then kept walking as the loud speaker was announcing, "clean-up in aisle nine." The woman and her tomatoes disappeared. I was suddenly all alone with 93 cans of green beans.
"There Is No Such Thing As An Atheist In A Foxhole"
Never Leave the Engine Running
Houston, TX
During a convention, I stopped my three-wheel scooter at a table in the refreshment center, across from two other people who were sitting at it eating hot dogs, and flipped back the steering column so I could turn my seat around to face the table. I couldn't resist reaching into the rear basket on the back of the scooter to dig through the freebies I had collected. In doing so, I grabbed the left handle on the steering column to help support my balance.
Suddenly the scooter zipped out from where I had parked and I was scooting across the floor with the table hung up on the opposite handle bar. The scooter moved several yards across the room before I realized my fingers had also grabbed the acceleration level and were still in a tight grip. I finally let go and looked back at where the table was. The two people were still sitting in the same spot, holding their soda cups in the air, and staring at me with their mouths open.
At this point, I was stuck under the table and the hot dogs were absent. Fortunately, a nice man came by and lifted the table off of me. Moral of this story: always turn off the key before swinging your seat around!
Sinai Desert, 1990
Sergeant Musgraves Keeping the Troops Fit?
Oops - What are those two guys on the left doing?
Speed Limits
Minnesota
As a woman left a mall, a gentleman offered to open the door for her.
He asked, "Didn't I see you at the book store?"
The woman replied, "Yes".
"Well, did you see the sign on the wall?" He asked as he gently smiled.
"No", She answered.
Well', he replied, 'it said there is a 30 mile speed limit and you were going fifty!"
As they both laughed, the woman thought; If only he knew how fast I was running.
The Pool Shark
During Coast Guard Festival 2001, three WMO Board Directors got together with each other during a trip "In Search of Lighthouses". David Musgraves invited his mother, Julia Hollenbeck, to shoot a game of pool with him at the American Legion, after a day of the three of us searching for lighthouses along the west coast of the state. He had the evening off from work and shooting a game of pool sounded like a pretty good idea. Nonetheless, Julia was concerned more about being able to even shoot pool, and explained to him that she probably could no longer play because of her decreased height and lack of arm strength. "That's nonsense Mom, you can shoot pool standing on your head!" he exclaimed as he walked along next to her to the building. With his encouraging words as her inspiration, she decided to give it a try only to appease him, but later discovered that that was mistake number one.
Once inside the billiard area, Julia accepted the cue stick he offered, and listened closely to his instructions. That was mistake number two. After his clean break, and "on purpose flub", she pocketed the first ball and aimed, completely missing the second. I knew she was in trouble as he took his turn and dropped three in a row and just kept snapping photos.
After another wipe out for Julia, she wheeled herself over to the side and let him have the table again. With calculating moves he cleared the table down to two striped balls remaining for him to pocket, and then handed her the cue stick with a grin on his face. David finally got tired of waiting for his mother to get a few shots in after a steady flow of misses on both their parts and sank the last two with one shot before pocketing the eight ball where he wanted it.
The second game was played with him giving Julia more instructions, a few goofy antics, and ended up with her actually winning fair and square. Julia was feeling pretty sharp, and I was laughing my head off, but after all, they were even.
The play-off came the next night with no hesitance on either of their parts, but I declined to get into this possible mess. It was earlier than the night before and Julia figured she could last for three rounds, breaking any possible tie. That was mistake number three.
With a little help from David as he held the granny stick for her, she finally pocketed a ball after missing three clean shots. When David beat her during the first game, she decided the problem was that he needed to have the same handicap and told him to use a chair to equal it out. "Not a problem, Mom. I'll use a chair and we can be the same height." He nonchalantly chirped while I laughed at the two of them.
The second game did not seem to go much better for Julia while watching David drag a chair around the table. Julia tried to convince him to get down on his knees instead of using the chair, but he gave her an imfatic "No"!
In spite of knowing he was a far better pool player than Julia was in a previous life, she gave in to his antics while laughing at him dragging the clumsy chair to sit in as he sunk the balls, still wiping her out, as cigarette smoke filled the room, and I continued to take on the scene coverage. Obviously, I knew better than to engage in a game with David, and Julia was just a glutton for punishment.
Game three was pure concentration on Julia's part but still lost. She refused any more breaks from David at this point, because now determination was taking over, and she wanted to win clean. While her efforts were good and determination still strong, neither helped her. She succumbed again.
As the evening progressed to midnight Julia finally gave up during the fourth round.
In the end, she conceded. To say the least, David was starting to get a little bored, and I was getting mighty tired. It appeared that no matter what angle Julia took with the cue stick, or how she positioned her wheelchair did not matter. David was still the pool shark and these photos provide the real story of a couple of funny evenings in Grand Haven, Michigan.
Hey Greg, Julia really can shoot pool from the wheelchair!
-- Bill Dillow
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